Unicorn Bites 4/24/14

1-year-old daughter: *throws a fit* Me: What’s she mad about? Wife: Being awake. I get it, kid. I get it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2014 I’m devastated I didn’t get invited to Kim […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/7/14

My 1-year-old’s favorite game on my phone is the one where she closes the game & sends gibberish text messages. Now my boss thinks I do meth — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014 Wife: […]

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Unicorn Bites 1/27/14

3-year-old: Daddy, what is your job? Me: I sit in a cubicle all day and try not to be sad. 3: Apparently I was supposed to lie. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 27, 2014 *1-year-old […]

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Unicorn Bites 11/27/13

My wife has a catchphrase. It’s “no.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 27, 2013 “No, I can’t ‘make’ time for you. Time can’t be created or destroyed. LEARN SCIENCE, MOTHER FUCKER.” That Jehovah’s […]

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Unicorn Bites 9/22/13

My 1-year-old sat on my lap and said, “Bye.” I think she’s planning to kill me. The worst part is she’ll still be adorable while she does it — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September […]

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Unicorn Bites 8/28/13

You call that quitting? You didn’t even light anything on fire. The last time I quit a job, you could see the aftermath on Google Earth. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013 […]

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