My 1-year-old’s favorite game on my phone is the one where she closes the game & sends gibberish text messages. Now my boss thinks I do meth
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014
Wife: These white sheets are too white Me: What color do you want? W: White M: These are white Wife: No, they’re too white I give up.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014
I found my 1-year-old hiding on the bathroom floor eating from a bag of chips. It was like looking at my past and my future all at once.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014
If you tell a girl “You aren’t the boss of me” she has a 30-second window when by law she isn’t responsible for her actions if she kills you
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014
When raptors are finally cloned, scientists won’t warn us because the raptors will eat them first. And that’s why I lock my doors at night.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014