I Drop Science: Malicious Water Bottles | HumorOutcasts

I Drop Science: Malicious Water Bottles

April 7, 2014

The interweb can be a treacherous world of opinionated opinions.  On most days, I aim to keep things light, and leave the rantings to the #amwriting and the #randommusing people of the blogosphere.  But sometimes God just gives you fodder.  Sometimes that fodder is manna.  (Whatever, just go with this a minute.)


To the point:  my current hometown’s namesake magazine just published an article entitled “New Wrinkle Worry:  Water Bottle Lips.”


There it is.  Now take a moment.


Without reading further, you might be saying, “A new wrinkle worry?  But I have so many, how can I even handle another?”  Or, “People are worried about wrinkles?”  Or perhaps, just like I experienced, your brain is heating toward a sizzle the likes of which no Applebee’s skillet has ever seen.


It’s too bad you can’t see the photo in the article.  It shows a woman in her twenties in a Lululemon outfit holding a water bottle to her lips but her lips are closed.  Yes, this phenomenon is entirely too risky for the model to actually do anything more than poorly mimic drinking the water.


Because I know you’re desperate to learn about science, I’ll summarize the findings within the study for you.


The article details the shocking fact that straw use and water bottle drinking can create wrinkles not unlike those from smoking cigarettes.  Apparently the “repeated pursing” of the lips causes premature wrinkling.


“NO!” you’re saying.  “What can I do?!”


Among the solutions offered by the article were Botox, “fillers”, laser resurfacing, and this simplistic one:  “drink your water from a cup or something with a wider opening.”


A caveat on the Botox solution, offered by the plastic surgeon interviewed:  “It is very important that low-dose Botox is used because muscle function around the mouth is essential for eating, drinking, and speaking.”  This was news to mannequins everywhere.  Might I also add: breathing during allergy season?


Now that you have the facts, you have some choices to make, and some new worries to consider!


Tired of his mother looking wrinkly, this poor tot drew her a message on her water bottle to prevent further catastrophes.


First, let’s discuss other causes of this horrible epidemic.  The “repeated pursing” of the lips can be attributed to water bottle drinking, smoking, and drinking from a straw, but have you considered other dangers, like sucking lollipops or cough drops, using your prescribed asthma inhaler, or brushing your teeth?  What about drinking from other bottles, like juice bottles, and 40-ouncers in paper bags?  Pursing your lips in anger at your children?  Performing, um, “favors” for your male significant other?  Now you see the seriousness of the situation; dangers are omnipresent!


Second, let’s explore additional solutions.  Yes, one can set up appointments for “fillers”, Botox, and laser resurfacing.  Or drive around with a full Mason jar of beverage sitting in one’s cup holder—don’t worry, your air bags will protect you from the flying glass when your texting causes a collision.  But I was surprised that the article did not approach the subject of giving up drinking entirely and just using an IV to hydrate.  Or, how about something sexier, like always drinking from waterfalls?  Or, how about just not drinking liquids at all anymore and instead opting for juicy, fluid-filled foods, like soup, Jell-O, pudding, oranges, bloody steaks?  You could also do things like wear a constant mask, for a 24-7 perfect appearance.  Or how about volunteering on a less fortunate continent to get some perspective.  Or—and this one is my favorite!—get a fucking life.


As for me, I’ve decided to walk around in a sea suit like the woman with the fluid-filled helmet from the movie “The Abyss.”  As I type this, in fact, I’m viewing my laptop screen through the liquid veil of some Hawaiian Punch that I’m also drinking!!  Bet you didn’t even know how good it is for your skin.


However, this article really sparked some other new worries for me.  For instance, I believe I’m getting raisin fingers from all my time in the spa!  How do I get rid of those?!  And these marks on the backs of my thighs from too much time on the toilet, probably due to the dehydration caused after I first read this article and avoided any beverages for two whole weeks!  And what can I do about these lines in my forehead that appeared when I first read this article and reacted in shock, without thought to my appearance?


If anyone has any advice regarding my new wrinkle worries, I urge you to please contact my local magazine immediately.  Nothing is more important than maintaining my worry-free lifestyle.  Thanks, besties!

Emily Schleiger

Emily Schleiger is a writer in the Chicago area. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Second City Network, and HumorOutcasts.com. After surviving a short career in Human Resources, she has studied at The Second City and Gotham Writers’ Workshop. For more writing, check out EmilySchleiger.com and DontRepeatThisInPreschool.com. For her birthday she would love a drum set, but in the interim she’s just fine with smacking carrots against the kitchen countertop because she is adaptable like that.

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9 Responses to I Drop Science: Malicious Water Bottles

  1. April 10, 2014 at 4:39 am

    When it comes to wrinkles, somewhere you just have to draw the line.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    April 8, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    I think I used to play in a band called “New Wrinkle Worry: Water Bottle Lips.” If I didn’t, I really think I should have.

    • April 9, 2014 at 6:54 am

      I would listen to that band’s songs. But mostly because if you were in it, I could be promised none of those songs would be Bon Jovi covers.

  3. April 8, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    For some reason, this makes me think of the face in Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”!

    • April 8, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      Little known art fact: that painting was actually a “before” picture!

  4. April 8, 2014 at 9:58 am

    This is an evolutionary thing. Think about it. We are texting and emailing more to the point that we rarely even talk on the phone. Now, with the water bottles and pursing of the lips, our mouths are getting tinier, due to that and not speaking, which is why the little green aliens have those little bitty mouths. We’re on our way to that.

    • April 8, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      That is genius. Evolution really does explain everything. So, wait, the plastic surgeon was WRONG on the speaking thing, which means I can go get more Botox? Doesn’t he know he’s standing in the way of his own profits?

      There should be an alliance of evolutionary scientists and plastic surgeons because clearly they can help one another out.

  5. April 7, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    Just when my list of worries has cleared. Fantastic.

    • April 7, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      Glad to help you get your priorities back in line.

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