Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Taylor and Travis wedding, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Taylor and Travis officially married at Madison Square Garden
Look, if they wanted a small, intimate wedding with lots of privacy they would’ve had it in DC during the Freedom 250 events.
Meth Lab built in a WalMart bathroom
Someone tried to do that in an IKEA, but they just couldn’t figure out the instructions.
America celebrates 250th anniversary
What’s the difference between family gatherings on Independence Day and Thanksgiving? … Seeing the fireworks are in the air, or across the table.
Trump reportedly accusing Jared Kushner of “ruining his presidency” by tricking him into starting the Iran War
So, he shouldn’t have called Jared?!
Pot Breathalyzer to make marijuana legalization safer
Apparently, it detects excess amounts of nachos, donuts and pizza.
Medics responded to report of ‘cardiac arrest’ at McConnell’s home on day he was hospitalized
For those who thought McConnell had no heart … So there!
Woman caught with cocaine in her ‘rear lower region’ blamed ‘intimate encounter’ for how it got there, cops allege
… Sounds more like crack.
Joey Chestnut defends Nathan’s hot dog eating contest
The only sport where THC is considered a performance enhancing drug.
Happy birthday, Mel Brooks
For two thousand one hundred, you look pretty damn great!
Nurse, 41, dies on operating table during surgery to remove toxic butt fillers
Toxic Butt Fillers sounds like a band that opened for Jewish Space Lasers.
Crypto markets have been cut in half, destroying trillions in value
Look for the horror series based on it: ‘Tales From the Crypto.’
‘Death of a Salesman’ becomes most Tony Award-winning play revival in history
… Still gonna wait for the musical version, ’Loman!’
AI apps are reshaping the search for love
… Be wary of ChatSTD. Just saying.
Xi replaces anti-corruption leader in purge of China’s Army
Guess he wasn’t able to payoff Xi with enough money.