Several hundred Pentagon employees were injured on Wednesday afternoon as they ran from the building in a panic following the activation of a smoke alarm by Pete Hegseth’s sky-high testosterone level.
“It was a nightmare,” said one veteran staff member who wished to remain anonymous. “It brought back memories of 9/11.”
The incident occurred as the Secretary of Defense was briefing reporters on Operation Epic Fury. “The room began to smell super-manly,” according to the staffer. “A ceiling smoke detector directly above Hegseth’s head began to hum, and then it went off.”
Hegseth is well-known for using a variety of testosterone-infused products to boost his gender identity. These include:
- Road Warrior Hair Gel
- First Strike Mouthwash
- “Nuke ‘Em, Nate” Nipple Cream
- Screaming Eagle Eye Drops
- “Fire in the Hole!” Cayenne Suppositories
- Border Wall Underarm Anti-Perspirant
- Guantanamo Razor-Wire Dental Floss
- Call of Duty Lip Balm
- Dijon Mustard-Gas Nasal Spray
- Shards of Glass Hand Soap
All of the above complement the daily testosterone injection that Hegseth receives in his forehead from HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Pentagon employees were allowed back in the building at 3:45 pm.