Unicorn Bites 10/11/13
I set my wife on fire ONE TIME and suddenly I’m the bad guy. Women are ridiculous. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2013 In a few years, deer will evolve to be […]
Tag: xploding unicorn
Unicorn Bites 10/10/13
Bacon: because flavor is more important than living past 40 — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2013 “I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream!” But what you’ll get is a […]
Unicorn Bites 10/9/13
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October […]
Unicorn Bites 10/7/13
Wife: You ate all the cookies! Me: I saved you from the calories. W: M: It’s like I dove on a grenade for you W: Me: I deserve a medal — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn […]
Unicorn Bites 10/4/13
My 3-year-old said she likes tea parties, so I made her sleep in the yard. We don’t tolerate politics in this house. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2013 If a guy […]
Unicorn Bites 10/2/13
The guy who fixed the crack in my windshield was named Chip. Now there’s a man who achieved exactly what was expected of him in life. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 9/30/13
Whatever, rich people with wine cellars. I don't need any fancy shelves because I store my wine in my stomach like an adult. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2013 My wife: “Get […]
Unicorn Bites 9/29/13
I envy kids in highchairs. I want to eat something so intensely I have to be strapped in. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2013 Police shouldn’t use dogs. There are other trainable, […]
Unicorn Bites 9/25/13
“Beaver” is a terrible name for a vagina. I don’t want to have sex with something that destroys wood. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 25, 2013 I don’t know why women are obsessed […]
Unicorn Bites 9/24/13
My 3-year-old thinks kindergarten is pronounced “ninja garden,” in case you wondered why she’s eager to be old enough to go to school. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2013 I playfully threw […]