Wife: You ate all the cookies!
Me: I saved you from the calories.
W:
M: It’s like I dove on a grenade for you
W:
Me: I deserve a medal
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2013
I’m not always awkward, only when I talk. Or sit in silence. Or exist. But other than that, I fit right in.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2013
Coworker: “I want to jump out of a plane.”
Me: “I want you to, too.”
Him: “Are you into parachuting?”
Me: “Oh, you’re using a parachute…”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2013
We took my 1-year-old to see someone’s new puppy. The puppy licked her. She licked the puppy back. Dominance established.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2013
My 3-year-old: “Don’t talk about me!”
Me: “I’m not. I’m talking about a different kid throwing a fit right now.”
Her: “OK.” *resumes fit*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2013