I set my wife on fire ONE TIME and suddenly I’m the bad guy. Women are ridiculous.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2013
In a few years, deer will evolve to be bright orange. Hunters won’t shoot them because from far away they’ll look like guys in safety vests.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2013
Hey, girl, are you the Midwest? Because you’re kind of boring and completely flat.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2013
My boss said he let my coworker go home because of a fainting spell. Fucking wizards.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2013
All married backrubs come with unwanted groping. This is nonnegotiable. You should’ve read the fine print.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2013