Marriage: because it’s too much work to ruin your life all by yourself
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013
I never run from my problems. I drive away from them because fuck exercise.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013
Me: “I’ll have what she’s having.”
Waiter: “Very good, sir. One shitty time coming up.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013
My wife wants me to eat with a fork, not my hands, b/c apparently I’m some kind of British aristocrat. Excuse me while I find my pantaloons.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013
When the priest said, “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” he wasn’t kidding. My wife hasn’t let me get a word in ever since.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013