For the first time in the history of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, combatants will be allowed to engage in eye-gouging during matches at the White House on Sunday evening.
“President Trump asked us to do this, and he’s the President, so I guess we’re doing it,” said UFC Chief Executive Officer Dana White, who was perspiring heavily and appeared nauseous. His bald pate glistened like a honeydew melon that had just been sprayed with a fine mist in the supermarket’s produce section.
The President told reporters on Friday that “I love the eye-gouging, I absolutely love it. How can you have a real fight if you don’t have eye-gouging? If I had been able to serve in Vietnam I would have eye-gouged, and we would have won that war. There would have been so much eye-gouging, and the Viet Cong would have run screaming back to the North.
“I’ve let Vice President Vance know that he and his team can eye-gouge as much as they want while negotiating with the Iranians. That’s why we’re so close to finalizing a deal right now. We’re just a couple of detached retinas away.”