My wife isn’t ashamed to admit she’s married. She just pretends it’s to someone else. Her parents still think I’m her gardener.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013
A female coworker with huge boobs wore a sweatshirt yesterday. I was surprised to discover she has a face.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013
If you lower the bar, you’re either really bad at life or really good at limbo.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013
I’m not as out of shape as my wife thinks I am. On an unrelated note, I just took a nap halfway up a flight of stairs.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013
Me: “What do you want from me?”
My wife: “A satisfying emotional relationship.”
Me: “How about a backrub instead?”
She accepted my terms.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013