Her: I’m out of your league. Me: By about 20,000 leagues, I’d say. Her: Me: Because you’re a sea monster. Her: Me: READ A FUCKING BOOK
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014
Me: Do you really love everyone? Jesus: Yup. Except Steve. He’s a dick. Steve: I said I was sorry. Jesus: NEVER TAKE ANOTHER MAN’S NACHOS
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014
My 1-year-old only throws temper tantrums when it’s absolutely necessary, like today, when I made her wear shoes. My cruelty knows no bounds
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014
My 1-year-old has the same cry for “I fell down the stairs” and “I need more Cheerios,” so, yes, I’ll finish my beer before I investigate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014
My 3-year-old put her hands down her pants to adjust her underwear in the middle of a crowded restaurant, so yes, I’m sure she’s really mine
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014