Me: *changes 1-year-old’s poopy diaper* Wife: How bad was it? Does she need a new outfit? Me: We need a new house.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2014
Me: I’m going to turn you into a nerd. 3-year-old: No, Daddy! Me: You don’t even know what a nerd is. 3: It’s little pink candy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2014
The Queen of England is reportedly running dangerously low on cash. Life is tough when no one in your family has worked in 400 years.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2014
If a Christian gets mad about something you did, say, “I had to. It’s in the Bible.” Chances are they haven’t read the whole thing either.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2014
Problem: You care about things. Solution: Vodka. I should write a self-help book.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2014
Good one about the Queen!