Jeanine Pirro, U. S. Attorney for the District of Columbia, did not mince words during her Thursday press conference at the Reflecting Pool on the National Mall: “If David Hearn is found guilty of destruction of pool property, we will ask that he be placed in a burlap sack and dropped from the Woodrow Wilson Bridge into the Potomac River. It would be a fitting punishment for his heinous, water-related crime. Let him die like he lived: a wayward cat born out of wedlock to a slattern feline from Hell who roams the sewers of our beautiful city, killing innocent rats.
“We will petition the court to allow Kristi Noem, former U. S. Secretary of Homeland Security, to be the one who tosses Mr. Hearn from the bridge. She has a lot of experience doing this with kittens and would very much like to contribute.”
Reached at her home in South Dakota, Ms. Noem was touched by Pirro’s request on her behalf: “Back when I worked in DC, Jeanine and I would go to Rock Creek Park on Saturday mornings and shoot chipmunks with our AR-15s. God Almighty, those were good times! As they say, sisterhood is powerful.”