A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2014
Me: Sex? Wife: Sure. Me: Really? Just like that? Wife: Yep. Me: …never mind. I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2014
If a girl is mad at you, skip the flowers and cook bacon. If she likes it, she’ll forgive you; if she doesn’t, dump her. She’s a monster.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2014
3-year-old: Daddy, do chipmunks stink? Me: I guess I’ve never sniffed one. You don’t know what you don’t know until you have kids.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2014
Marriage is just hours of silence punctuated by an occasional question of “Did you fart?” Then more silence.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2014
You are frighteningly in touch with the world.