Unicorn Bites 1/19/14
I bought my kids an inflatable punching bag. My 1-year-old daughter stabbed it with a pen. She learned to fight on the streets. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014 Not to brag, but I […]
Tag: Unicorn Bites
Unicorn Bites 1/18/14
3-year-old: Am I a grown-up yet? Me: Are you excited to get out of bed in the morning? 3: Yeah! Me: Then you aren’t even close. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 18, 2014 I delete […]
Unicorn Bites 1/8/14
How to pick up chicks: 1) Go to the bar. 2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes. 3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, […]
Unicorn Bites 1/1/14
Sorry I hit your wife in the face with a Frisbee. In my defense, she looks exactly like a golden retriever. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014 New Year’s Eve wasn’t as […]
Unicorn Bites 12/30/13
My New Year’s resolution is to make everyone else break theirs. If you need me, I’ll be in front of the gym passing out doughnuts. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013 Hot […]
Unicorn Bites 12/16/13
3-year-old: My feet are cold. Me: Why did you take off your socks? 3: Daddy, you’re not helping. Me and my useless, unrelated questions. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013 Wife: You’re […]
Unicorn Bites 10/31/13
Craigslist killers are old news. I only fear murderers on Pinterest. They’ll turn your skull into a decorative centerpiece. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2013 In my state, it’s legal to own […]
Unicorn Bites 10/15/13
Salesman: “Can I help you with something?” Me: “Yes, my crippling social awkwardness” Him: Me:“And batteries” Him:“Right over here, sir” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2013 I never argue w/ fast food […]
Unicorn Bites 9/22/13
My 1-year-old sat on my lap and said, “Bye.” I think she’s planning to kill me. The worst part is she’ll still be adorable while she does it — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September […]
Unicorn Bites 9/16/13
“You look like you’ve lost weight. Are you on meth?” I’m bad at giving compliments. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013 Miley Cyrus: “Only God can judge me.” God: “Deal.” *unleashes 97 […]