Sorry I hit your wife in the face with a Frisbee. In my defense, she looks exactly like a golden retriever.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014
New Year’s Eve wasn’t as fun without the possibility of the apocalypse. I wish the Mayan calendar would threaten to end the world every year
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014
My favorite party trick is where I make an ass of myself and never get invited back. My weekends are gloriously free from now until forever.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014
Protip: The Humane Society will never let you adopt a kitten if you say even once that an odd noise sounds like “a cat in a blender.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014
3-year-old: Can we get gas for the car?
Me: It's almost full
3:
M:
3:
M: Fine.
3:*squeals excitedly*
I don’t know why we buy her toys
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 1, 2014