“You look like you’ve lost weight. Are you on meth?”
I’m bad at giving compliments.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013
Miley Cyrus: “Only God can judge me.”
God: “Deal.” *unleashes 97 plagues*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013
My 1-year-old had her first sucker and didn’t like it at all. Someday I’ll tell her they taste better with the wrapper off.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013
When my wife speaks, I listen like a dog. Everything she says is nonsensical except for my own name & certain keywords like “food” & “bed.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013
When a woman walks down the aisle, instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” the organist should play “Imperial March” from Star Wars.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2013