Unicorn Bites 1/31/14
I spent two minutes waving my arms at a motion-activated light before I realized the switch was off. Expect great things from me today. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 31, 2014 No, I won’t tell […]
Tag: Unicorn Bites
Unicorn Bites 1/29/14
I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014 Florida is set to vote on whether to allow medical […]
Unicorn Bites 1/28/14
Coworker: Can you jump my car? Me: Probably. I can jump pretty high. Coworker: I’ll ask someone else. Me: Is it because I’m white? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2014 1-year-old: *takes my ChapStick* […]
Unicorn Bites 1/26/14
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014 Sure, random teenager, you have swag, but only if “swag” means […]
Unicorn Bites 1/25/14
Hey, scientists: If wizards and spells aren’t real, then explain magic markers. *scientists’ heads explode* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 25, 2014 My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, when you die, can I wear makeup?” If the […]
Unicorn Bites 1/24/14
Today I learned baby rabbits come from mother rabbits, not from a magician’s hat. My entire childhood was a lie. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2014 If I had one wish, it would be […]
Unicorn Bites 1/23/14
Me: I know everything. Ask me any question. 3-year-old: How do airplanes work? Me: Magic. Next question. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 23, 2014 I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I […]
Unicorn Bites 1/22/14
3-year-old: *calls out in the middle of the night* I have to pee Me: Then pee 3: *pees* Me: I MEANT IN THE TOILET! Always be specific — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014 My […]
Unicorn Bites 1/21/14
Me: It’s cold. You need a hat. 3-year-old daughter: But it’ll mess up my hair. She put fashion ahead of comfort. She’s officially a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 When my wife […]
Unicorn Bites 1/20/14
Cops traced the malware attack at Target to a 17-year-old hacker. In the meantime, I’m almost 30 and I still can’t attach files to an email.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 Me: Let’s have […]