I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014
Florida is set to vote on whether to allow medical marijuana. This is great news for people who want to get stoned with their grandparents.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014
Wife: You’re an idiot. Me: Oh, yeah? Well you’re the one who let me put a baby inside you. I’ll win all arguments until her due date.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014
I never put someone down to make myself feel better. I do it simply so they feel worse. Their pain is enough motivation for me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014
Me: You’re lucky to be in love with such a handsome, witty guy. Wife: I know. Too bad I married you instead.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014