Cops traced the malware attack at Target to a 17-year-old hacker. In the meantime, I’m almost 30 and I still can’t attach files to an email.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014
Me: Let’s have pizza for dinner. Wife: That’s what we had for lunch. And for dinner last night. I don’t understand the problem.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2014
1-year-old: *screeches* 3-year-old: *screeches back* Me: What’s wrong? 3: We’re dinosaurs I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2014
I hate when there’s a ton of open seats in a theater but someone still sits next to me. It’s like my wife wants people to know we’re married
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2014
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you? Me: Because you’re a small-town cop running a speed trap. I was right, so I don’t know why he tased me
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2014
You make me so happy.