3-year-old: *calls out in the middle of the night* I have to pee Me: Then pee 3: *pees* Me: I MEANT IN THE TOILET! Always be specific
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014
My friends staged an intervention to stop my raging narcissism. They all gathered in a room and talked about me. I loved it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014
Me: *buys IKEA desk* *can’t figure out which parts go where* *looks around confused* Wife: Stop making your sex face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014
Katy Perry said she’d never get plastic surgery. It’s brave of her to settle for perfect, natural boobs that can serve as flotation devices.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014
The best part about working out on a treadmill is that the cup holder is the perfect size to hold an order of curly fries.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014
Ah, so it’s a sex face! That explains why whenever I assemble furniture my wife doesn’t like to be in the same room. I thought it was because she didn’t like the sight of blood.