Donald Trump sent out the first salvo in an apparent attempt to challenge God to be the ‘Supremest Leader’, as he put it, of the Universe. Trump, in his usual combative style, came out roaring that he was far more fit than God to be running the Cosmos.
“So where is God? Why haven’t we seen or heard from him now for what, a couple thousand years or so? God ain’t doin’ his job otherwise we would know he was about. What kind of a way is that to run things? Is he out playing golf or sumpthin’?
Look at me- I am always out in the public soaking up the vibes, telling people just what they want to hear……er…I mean what I am going to do. Where is God at, anyway? Out partying somewhere instead of watching over things? If it were me you know I would be doing something about everything going on. Just like that time I went to Puerto Rico after their flooding and threw them some paper towel rolls to sponge things up with. See- I was there when they needed me!”
“Let me tell you the things I would do if I were the Top Dog of the Universe:
1- I would move all the Palestinians out to a desert island somewhere where they can start all over again and that would give the Israelis a lot of the Lebensraum they want so they can make a lot more money and not have to come crying to us for help over and over again. Also, I could build some real swanky hotels on the coast there and make oodles of whatever money the Jews use there.
2- I would make the moon closer to the earth so that we wouldn’t have to spend so much money flying there. And who knows, heck, there might even be the possibility on some real, hot real estate deals there too!
3- I would drain the Atlantic Ocean and then invest in building highways to Europe and make a bundle! Plus you could take all those fish flopping around on the bottom, freezing them and making big bucks selling them off to rich countries!
4.- I would make the world be just for white people and move all other races off to other planets. That would make it safer for us left here on earth.
5.- I would melt the polar ice caps, take the salt out of the water and then bottle it and sell it. I would make Zillions! And of course, I would name the land exposed at the South Pole Trumplandia! There would be gazoogles of possibilities for building stuff there!”
“Of course, being God, I would have to write a few new chapters to the Bible letting people know just who is the REAL BOSS now and just how they should act. Things like how much to tithe me, how to properly worship me, what I would expect of them in terms of obedience, access to women, building churches in my honor, groveling before me and, especially WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO PEOPLE WHO DISOBEY ME OR DISHONOR ME!!!!! Believe me, it WON’T be pretty!!!”
“There is also the building of proper churches to honor me. I would have to get my architects going on that one……”
“One thing you will never see me do, however, is sacrifice one of my sons for the world. NO WAY!! They may be spoiled rotten brats, but mine run my businesses and are going to be there for me when I get too old. But that won’t be for at least another 30 years. Sacrifice them for all the Christians in the world? NO WAY!!! Those people are lambs to the slaughter, rubes to be cheated, no brainers wanting a leader, losers living on prayers and promises. I’ll give them promises; I am good at that, but no way I am giving up one of my brats who will support me in my old age to be their ‘Saviour’! They can go crucify themselves among other things. They are born to be lunkheads and thereby swindled and I am good at that!”
“Lastly I would make heaven only be for Republicans and people who support me. There would be a million dollar fee just to enter and another 2 million dollar surcharge to live there. That would keep all the low class people out and keep the place just for the rich and classy people like me. Of course we would need to let in a few lower class people to be servants but I would make sure they were all white. Someone made a joke that even Jesus would not be able to live there! Ha, ha, that is a good one!”
“I will start on this campaign as soon as my followers cough up another billion for my run at being GOD! It will be SOOO COOOOL!!!!”