Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about 7-11 closing a third of its stores, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
7-11 closing third of stores
It will now be known as 4.8/7.1.
Almost a year after that viral moment, Kristin Cabot says Chris Martin never once picked up the phone
Yeah, when we all know the person to blame is Yoko Ono.
FDA warning: This popular anxiety drug was just recalled
If that doesn’t make the people on it need it, nothing will.
Trump Administration FBI Director Kash Patel has been accused of drunken behavior
That makes this less a Cabinet and more like a liquor cabinet.
Three arrested in ‘Toddler Fight Club’ ring
The first rule of ‘Toddler Fight Club’ is you don’t baby talk about Toddler Fight Club.
Happy National Poetry Day
A day where I think, therefore iamb.
Lindsey Graham’s three-day Disney extravaganza exposed
Word is, his favorite ride’s ’It’s a Small Minded World After All,’ after all.
Manhattan DA’s office to investigate Eric Swalwell over sexual assault allegations
Hmmm, sounds like Swalwell could be going from the House to the ‘Big House.’
Document called ‘The Gospel of Jesus’s Wife’ likely real
CBS is thinking of making it into a series called ‘How I Met Your Martyr.’
Prince Andrew reportedly banned from letting guests into his home
… Especially on school nights …
Wu-Tang Clan fans offered refunds after several members absent from Australian ‘final’ shows
Apparently, when only one Wu Tang shows they’re just a C.
Happy belated 80th Birthday, Liza Minnelli
Here’s to a woman who’s married more gay men than a Justice of the Peace in West Hollywood!
Pentagon disturbed as its fleet of drones is left bobbing in the ocean when Elon Musk’s Starlink fails
… Too bad Tim Cook wasn’t involved or we’d be bobbing for Apples.
New Jersey teacher who slept with students learns her prison sentence
Damn, sounds like she misunderstood her job of teaching them how to multiply.