Game Show Host: Welcome everybody to another episode of the wildly popular trivia game Who Said What? Tonight’s contestant is Wilbur Deffinear, an 84-year-old retired construction worker from Chugwater, Wyoming. Welcome to the show, Wilbur! Are you excited?
Wilbur: I’m sorry, what did you just say? My hearing isn’t so good these days. I worked a jackhammer for 50 years. Turns out if you hold a tiny earthquake next to your head for half a century, there are consequences.
Host: (Smiling broadly) No worries, Wilbur. The game is simple. I’ll ask you a series of questions. If you answer correctly, you move on and the prize money keeps climbing. Ready to begin?
Wilbur: Begin what?
Host: The game, Wilbur. The game! Here we go. For $125: After what person is the standard unit of electrical power named?
Wilbur: (Leaning in) What?
Host: Correct! A watt — named after Scottish engineer James Watt. Good start!
Host: For $250: When you’re engaged in conversation and the other person appears not to be paying attention, what might the other person say in response to your question?
Wilbur: Huh?
Host: Yes! “Huh?” is absolutely correct! For $500, what rock group composed and performed the famous rock opera Tommy in 1969?
Wilbur: Who are you talking about?
Host: The Who. Correct again! You’re 3-for-3!
Wilbur: Who said what? Could you repeat the question?
Host: I’m afraid we don’t have time. For $1,000: A man is released from prison because the president has granted him a what?
Wilbur: Pardon me? What did you—
Host: Pardon is correct! Ladies and gentlemen, this guy’s unstoppable!
Wilbur: Not sure I’m at the right place. I was trying to get to my doctor’s office for my proctology exam. I got kind of lost…
Host: For $2,500: What famous, but enigmatic Beatles song from 1969 included the cryptic lyrics, “He got ju-ju eyeball, he one holy roller?”
Wilbur: Come again?
Host: Well, technically, it was Come Together. But the judges say, “Close enough.” Well done. Now, for $5,000, what were Ludwig van Beethoven’s last words?
Wilbur: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.
Host: EXACTLY. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.” Because he was deaf. Well done again, Wilbur.
Wilbur: What did you just say? My hearing aid fell off. I can’t find it.
Host: For $10,000: Do you know the name of the first James Bond film villain?
Wilbur: No. Can’t say that I – …
Host: Dr. No! Correct again! This man is a cinema scholar!
Wilbur: I haven’t been to a movie since Reagan was shot.
Host: For $15,000: Can you tell me the first two words of the Four Tops’ smash hit song whose title ends with “Help Myself”?
Wilbur: I can’t… uh… sorry.
Host: “I Can’t!” Correct! The full title is “I Can’t Help Myself.” It topped the Billboard 100 charts for two weeks in 1965. How did you know that, Wilbur?
Wilbur: I have no idea what is happening…
Host: For $25,000: What famous Shakespeare line begins with the words “To be or not to be? That is the – blank?
Wilbur: Um, Question. What did you just – ?
Host: QUESTION. That is correct! From Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1. This is getting really exciting. Now, Wilber, for $50,000: What is the English translation of the French phrase “Je ne sais pas”?
Wilbur: Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been to Fran-…
Host: YES! That’s 100% right! Je ne sais pas literally means “I don’t know.” Remarkable! (The crowd is going wild now.)
Wilbur: Who are all these people and why are they all screaming at me?
Host: For $75,000: In the 1999 film The Matrix, what does Keanu Reeves’ character Neo say when he is first told about the Matrix?
Wilbur: What are you trying to tell me?
Host: BINGO! He says those immortal words, “What are you trying to tell me?” as Morpheus tries to explain to Neo about the Matrix. Incredible!
Wilbur: Is this going to take much longer? I don’t want to miss the Early Bird special at the Golden Corral.
Host: Not much longer, Wilbur. You’re now just one question away from our $100,000 grand prize.
In the 1994 film Pulp Fiction, in the movie’s most famous scene, what does Samuel L. Jackson shout while interrogating a man about a missing wallet?
Wilbur: Say what again? I missed the last part—
Host: SAY WHAT AGAIN! That’s right!! Wilbur, unbelievable. You just won $100,000!
(Audience explodes. Confetti cannons fire. Wilbur shields himself, thinking he’s under attack.)
Host: Wilbur, is there anything you’d like to say at this moment?
Wilbur: Yes. My hearing aid fell out when I first sat down. I haven’t understood a single word you’ve said the entire time. For all I know, I just agreed to join the Navy.
Host: Wilbur, no, much better. You just won $100,000!
Wilbur: I owe a thousand dollars? I don’t have that kind of money on me.
Host: (Handing him a massive, oversized cardboard check) No, you WON $100,000! Here’s your prize!
Wilbur: (Staring at the giant board) What is this?
Host: It’s a check!
Wilbur: A what?
Host: A CHECK!
Wilbur: (Nervously) Czech? No, no… I’m Polish on my mother’s side. I think there’s been a mistake.
Host: That’s all the time we have tonight! Join us next week on Who Said What? where we’ll be introducing a brand-new contestant who is technically legally blind and forgot his glasses.
For more of Tim Jones’ humor go HERE.
Check out Tim Jones’ new YouTube channel, View from the Bleachers.