VATICAN CITY. Pope Leo XIV, a native of Chicago, today surprised Catholics around the world by circumventing established procedures and naming two men–Nelson “Nellie” Fox and Luis Aparicio–jointly to sainthood. The late players for the Chicago White Sox were honored as the “Patron Saints of the Double Play.”
“Eesa time for them-a to join the Communion-a of a Saints-a,” Leo said in the comic opera Italian that popes are required to use by Roman Catholic canon law. “They like-a coupla vacuum cleaners up the middle-a of the infield.”
While sainthood for a resident is normally greeted with praise in the “local-boy-makes-good” vein of notoriety, notes of dissent were heard not from other American League cities but from Chicago’s North Side, where the National League Cubs play their home games. “It’s favoritism, pure and simple,” said Mark Luwitzki, a long-time Cubs fan. “Ernie Banks and Ron Santo were just as good and you didn’t have to risk your life going to see them play like you do on the South Side.”
Jacob Nelson “Nellie” Fox was a twelve-time All-Star, the winner of the American League Most Valuable Player award in 1959, and the third hardest hitter to strike out in Major League Baseball history. Luis Ernesto Aparicio Montiel was a thirteen-time All-Star and 1956 Rookie of the Year who finished second to Fox in the 1959 MVP voting, and the two formed one of the best double-play duos ever, sometimes referred to as “Magic Up the Middle.” “It used to take a miracle to get a ball outta the infield between-a those two,” the Pope said in defending his choice, “so they a shoo-in and I don’t wanna hear no gripes.”
When this reporter asked the Pope why Ted “Big Klu” Kluszewski was not also honored since he registered the put-out that completed a Fox-Aparicio double play, he replied, “Sorry, we only gotta room for one trinity in this church.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collections “Here’s to His Holiness: Fake Stories About Real Popes,” and “Chicago: Not Just for Toddlin’ Anymore.”