According to these letters I’ve been receiving, it’s the holiday season. Of course, that’s because I legally changed my name to Santa Claus back in the ’04 on a bet, so there’s Christmas letters mixed into my normal summons, past due notices and “Ask Dr. Snee” questions. Take, for instance, this letter:
Although I have been a very good girl this year and would very much like a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas, I’m writing because I’m worried about your health. Specifically, your weight. Your belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly is certainly one of the signs of holiday joy, but it is also — in this 8-year-old’s opinion — one of the telltale signs of morbid obesity. With the addition of other risk factors, such as smoking, eating cookies at every non-Jehovah’s Witness’s home and red, veiny nose indicate that you may be entering the early stages of diabetes. I know you are very busy this time of year, but please, once Christmas is over and done with, please see a physician.
Lots of love,
Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re not really going to answer that little girl’s letter, are you, Dr. Snee? Yes, of course I am, if only because Santa deserves the benefit of a second opinion.
Thank you for your nice letter. I’ll see what I can do about the 3DS, but please realize that my Chinese elves are a little overworked and some of them have violated the terms of their “not committing suicide” agreement. To be frank (claus), I’ll be happy if I fill last month’s quota, but that’s between you and me.
Also, thank you for your concern about my health, but don’t worry. Santa may be hefty, which falls in the safe zone on the weight chart I’ve enclosed, but it’s because he’s a power lifter. If you know anything about body mass index, it’s probably that BMI is not a reliable measurement of health. For instance: according to Sylvester Stallone’s bio, he is 5’9 (yeah right) and 200 lbs. That puts the Italian Stallion at 29.5 or overweight. But look at Sylvester:
Does this look like an overweight man to you? Maybe over-awesome or over-not-Santa-enough-like, but certainly not overweight.
Santa trains to lift the big weights, like the guys in the Olympics. So, yes, I may be 400 lbs and only 6’2, but I’m a healthy 400 lbs of pure strength. It’s what makes it possible for me to carry everybody’s toys each year (although the bag does get lighter per house).
So, you better watch out about what you say, Rachel, or Santa may just squat-thrust some of his attorneys down your chimney. (Please don’t interpret that sexually. I need this job.)
Santa F. Claus
Let’s move on to a letter with my actual name on it.
Dear Dr. Snee,
I was reading SeriouslyGuys yesterday, and one of their posts said it’s dangerous to eat cookie dough. Is there a certain amount that’s reasonably safe, like, for instance, the spoonful I fed my baby daughter? Please say that I didn’t screw things up with my wife again.
–Terrified of Going Back into Couples Therapy
Yes, it’s true: you shouldn’t feed your daughter raw cookie dough. As that helpful article you mentioned stated, it’s not the raw eggs that are the problem, it’s the unbaked flour. Most dairy products, like eggs, are pasteurized, which is named after the French scientist who couldn’t be bothered to warm milk. But flour is not meant to be consumed raw.
Flour exists in three states: raw, bread and moldy. If it’s not bread (or cake or pie or donuts), don’t eat it. I wouldn’t call soft batch cookies a health threat, per se, but an abomination when crispy ones are where it’s at.
As for your little girl: chances are she’ll be fine. Not every batch of flour contains E. coli, and most of us don’t die from the occasional infection, anyway. I cannot, however, stress this enough: pay closer attention to her, not so much for giving her a disease, but keeping her off the pole later in life. Remember: a hug a day keeps clear heels away.
Keep ‘em crispy,
Seriously, people. Don’t bake cookie dough once it’s been consumed. Unless you have one of those backscatter x-ray machines like at the airport. Those’ll work.
Moving on …
Dear Dr. Snee,
I’ve decided to lose my virginity this New Year’s Eve and wanted to know what to look out for.
You cut to the chase, Anita, and I like that. I’ll do the same.
I only have one rule for New Year’s hook-ups: never with anyone drunker than me. You’re less likely to get vomit on your tongue depressor that way.
Also, be wary of anyone with a popped collar. They fake orgasms.
Mind the bollocks,
That’s all I’m gonna do because your insurance won’t cover any more letters. Happy holidays, and don’t eat any yellow snow. That snow’s jaundiced.
*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.