It’s not easy being green…or being the only person on the planet who didn’t like the new Muppet movie

You can break down a person into two categories.

With classic rock, you’re either a Beatles or a Stones fan. Based on the film Beaches, you are either a CC or a Hillary. As a kid, at your core, you are either a Muppet or a Disney person.

I’ve always considered myself a Rolling Stone-lovin’ CC with a pension for Gonzo.

But while watching the new Muppets film, The Muppets, co-written by “How I Met Your Mother” star Jason Segel, I was despondent. All around me at the late-night showing, 20-somethings were laughing their asses off, and I was sitting there in silence, looking around, wondering where my Muppets had gone?

The first 20 to 25 minutes of the film are devoted to Walter, the new “Muppet.” Walter is obsessed with the Muppets (even though he is one?). Like scary, “I’m gonna rip off Kermit’s face and wear it as my own” obsessed. Let’s just say if the Muppets ever want to do another pop culture parody ala “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Walter, naked in a front of a mirror and saying, “I’d f*** me so hard,” would probably do the trick. He crashes the LA vacation of his brother Gary (Jason Segel) and Gary’s loyal, 10-years-in-waiting girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams)—JUST so he can visit the famous Muppets’ studios, which is threatened to be destroyed by oil baron Tex Richman (Chris Cooper). So it’s up to Walter, Gary, and Mary to reunite the Muppets and save the theater!

In J.D. Salinger-like seclusion, Kermit no longer remains in contact with Fozzie Bear and the gang, due to a falling out that is never clarified nor explored. Kermit, always the source of positivity within the group, is now reduced to an Abilify ad, mopey and depressing but without the gray cloud tailing him. Kermie only turns on the happy for the “Muppet Show” reunion toward the end of the film, flailing his arms crazily (this is what bipolar sufferers call a “manic” episode, folks).

The film messes with history the way Pride and Prejudice and Zombies dicks around with Jane Austen. Apparently, the Muppets haven’t done anything since the demise of “The Muppet Show” in 1981. No “Muppet Babies” cartoon. No “Muppets Tonight” revival in the late ‘90s. *Notable Kermit gulp* No The Muppet Christmas Carol. I suppose if ABC’s “Pan Am” can imagine a 1960s world without smoking, Jason Segel can imagine that the Muppets were a flash in the pan that he brought back to life.

I left the theater, assuming that other avid Muppet fans might feel the same way I did about the picture (e.g., morally ruined). However, when I tried to discuss the film intelligently with a friend, I got into a heated discussion that ended in stalemate silence. According to my friend, I was wrong. The movie was a love letter to the Muppets. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I was a putrid bitch.

Later, said friend posted about our argument in a Facebook status update, prompting many people to throw down against me. If I ever see Rowlf in a dark alley, quietly clanging a crow bar between his palms, I’ll know who tipped him off.