Me: Why is there exercise equipment in the middle of the office? Boss: Those are stairs. Me: *has a heart attack*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2014
Orlando Bloom let us all down by throwing a punch at Justin Bieber. He should’ve thrown a hand grenade.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2014
4-year-old: What do you do at work? Me: I push meaningless stacks of paper until I lose the will to live. 4: Me: I’m a cowboy. 4: Cool!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2014
4-year-old: *smacks me in the face* Me: Hey! 4: It’s OK to hit people if it’s part of a dance. *twirls out of the room*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2014
Me: My favorite Jesus story is the one where Bruce Willis is a ghost. Priest: That’s “The Sixth Sense.” Me: The Bible is amazing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2014