I’d Choose Ganesh





To be on my sports teams, if I had a choice, I’d choose Ganesh, the multi-armed, elephant-headed son of Shiva, the Hindu God.  If I could choose any one I wished, being not constricted to humans or non-mythical types.

I have this argument with Lyle all the time. Lyle wants Godzilla and I counter that Godzilla couldn’t participate in most sports plus he’s too large to fit in most stadiums. Besides it’s more than just the games. If you’re choosing teammates you want someone you’d go out for a drink with after the contest. Godzilla is just not someone you’d want to drag along. Of course, Hercules and Samson are in the discussion but they’ve got their flaws which includes an expectation you’ll cut your hair once in a while. Moses, while he might be helpful on a few of the surfing events, wouldn’t contribute that much to the other sports.

Back to Ganesh, I think he could play multiple sports and be a contributor in a host of endeavors. On the tennis court, four racquets in doubles tennis is almost unfair. And I looked it up. Nowhere in the rulebooks does it say tennis players are limited to two arms. I picture our opponent, the McEnroe brothers, arguing a call and my partner, Mr. Ganesh, uses his trunk nose to blow John the blowhard off the court.  And, yes, the crowd lets out a huge “Ommmmmmm.”

As a pitcher, he’d be superb. He’d have two gloves and yet, still, he’d hide the ball so well on his pitching motion you wouldn’t know which side of his body it’s coming from. Plus the spin and the British he’d put on the ball (lots of defeated British army British) would be phenomenal. If he’s a trash talker, he’d dish up a particularly nasty pitch by saying “Ahhh, here’s one with everything.”

Besides all that, the peanut vendors love him. And the crowd gets into it with a pre-game “Om Gam Ganesha Namaha” which, of course, is played on a Yamaha.

He’d be great as a defensive end because as soon as Buddha tried to block him he’d use two hands to fend him off and another two hands to tickle Bud right in his chubby belly. Coming off the field there’s nothing like several of his teammates coming up and getting a high twenty… unless it’s a high forty.

If he’s on my swim team, think of it. He can do the backstroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly and the crawl… all at once. That’d be unbeatable. And if swimming underwater is required, the trunk works as a snorkel.
I’D CHOOSE GANESH by Stan Silliman
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On the obstacle course, we’d have a distinct advantage… because he’d remove all the obstacles.

And lastly, like I said, for more than just his on-field prowess he’d make a good teammate. You want to bond with your teammates. You want to go out with them. Let’s say your girlfriend wants to double date and her friend’s idea of a great date is a touchy-feel-y guy with some junk-in-the-trunk, who better?

And here’s another thing. I don’t know if you’re into this but when you’re groping on a crowded elevator, Ganesh is always going to get blamed. That’s taking one for the team. That’s a good teammate.

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