Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Damn you.
Coworker: Most people say “bless you.”
Me: Fuck that. You just filled the room with germs.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2014
Me: The baby has a scratch above her eye. Know what that means?
Wife: We need to clip her nails.
Me: No. We’re raising Harry Potter.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2014
My 2-year-old isn’t sure which foods to bite & which ones to lick
It took her 30 seconds to eat an ice cream cone & 2 hours to eat a cookie
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2014
4-year-old: *counts my fingers* …9, 10, 11.
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with your hand.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2014
Preschool teacher: The kids listed things in the woods
Me: Yeah?
Her: Your daughter said “zombies.”
So they live in cities. Close enough.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/12/14: pic.twitter.com/zSxcxgVhB8
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 28, 2014