4-year-old: Let’s order pizza.
Me: It’s 8:30 in the morning.
4: There’s never a bad time for pizza.
Checkmate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2014
4-year-old daughter: There’s no blood on my jacket!
Me: Why would there be?
4: No reason.
She almost forgot the first rule of Fight Club.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2014
Oh, you just ran six miles?
That’s nice.
I get winded driving.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2014
2-year-old: *cries*
*stops*
I’m not happy! I’m crying!
*resumes crying*
It's nice when she narrates her own temper tantrums.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 9, 2014
Me: I found $1 on the sidewalk. This is the best day of my life.
Wife: What about the births of our kids?
Me: I can’t use kids to buy M&Ms
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/15/14: pic.twitter.com/KNsW9RHkjE
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 31, 2014