Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2014
Boss: Don't beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2014
4-year-old: *licks the piano*
Me: Why the hell did you do that?
4: To find out what it tastes like.
Me and my stupid questions.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2014
Michael Jordan: I bet you can’t make a basket.
Me: *weaves the most amazing basket of all time*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2014
My favorite Taylor Swift song is that one where she’s upset about a breakup.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2014