4-year-old: If I eat snow, I’ll get snow powers like Elsa! Me: I don’t think that’s how it works. 4: Yes it is. It’s called science.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
Superman: What’s your power? Me: I can zone out so hard I basically take a nap with my eyes open. Superman: Welcome to the Justice League.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
Car radio: Baby got back! 4-year-old daughter: Why is he singing about people’s backs? Me: He’s a chiropractor.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
Me: I only order something at a restaurant if I don’t know how to make it myself. Wife: By that logic, you could order a Pop-Tart.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
I don’t get why the whole dominatrix thing is so popular. I tried giving a woman total control over me once. It’s called marriage.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/31/14: pic.twitter.com/5AoBSTiEe3
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 16, 2014