Let The Dogs Out | HumorOutcasts

Let The Dogs Out

November 6, 2014


You are probably aware that last week two members of the Secret Service’s K-9 unit thwarted a would-be White House intruder. Considering all of the recent bungling by the Secret Service and the understandable bad publicity that went along with it, the Service was thrilled that these K-9 Secret Service members were successful. Unfortunately, they were so thrilled that they created an enormous breach of security for the dogs involved. Not only did they make the foolish mistake of giving out the dogs’ names – Jordan and Hurricane – but they committed the big no-no of publishing photographs of these heroic agents. (The pictures, by the way, were published on Twitter. If anyone can tell me why the Secret Service has a Twitter account, I’d love to hear from you). Since making the blunder of identifying the dogs, the Service has been wise enough to avoid publishing whether they had to go into hiding, and if so, where they are now relocated. However, I’m sure TMZ has its people following a telltale trail of Alpo.

Patriotic pups are nothing new in the United States. In fact, one of these Belgian Malinois accompanied members of the Navy SEALs on the historic raid on Osama bin Laden. These dogs are quick learners and obviously much cheaper to train and feed than their human counterparts. Originally, they were used almost exclusively to sniff out bombs, but as people became more aware of their skills, they’ve been given other jobs.

Their success started me wondering if their talents could be used elsewhere in government. Just think if all of the Senate and House members were replaced by dogs. I know it might seem a tad preposterous at first, but stay with me. Some people might say that it’s silly to think that a bunch of dogs could accomplish anything significant in Congress, but when was the last time human legislators did that? Doubters could point out that some dogs will just howl all night long. They might, just like a filibuster. Another very reasonable question could be, “Who’s going to clean up after all of those dogs?” The answer is: “The same people who always clean up after Congress – the American taxpayers.”

An all-dog Congress would be much more inclusive than the present one. Every breed of dog, all colors and backgrounds would be equally welcome. These Congressdogs would not take advantage of their position by using all kinds of perks. A dog doesn’t care if he flies first class on a junket to Paris. When was the last time a growly Senator got happy if someone just tossed him a tennis ball? Dogs are known for their loyalty, so they would be committed to their owners who sent them to Washington, not to some rich favor seekers they never even met. If you are worried about these dogs slobbering all over the place, once again I refer you to the current members of Congress.

Okay, okay. I got carried away. Obviously, it’s ludicrous to think that 535 dogs could be trained to take the place of our human Congress. Then again, we’d need only nine for the Supreme Court.

Lloyd Garver

I was fortunate to be involved in one of the Golden Ages of Television comedy. I wrote and produced television shows ranging from "Sesame Street" to "The Bob Newhart Show" to "Family Ties" to Home improvement" to "Frasier." (I've also read many books, some of them in hardcover). I grew up in Chicago, went to college at the University of California at Berkeley, and got my Masters at Northwestern. Then I followed my dream to become a serious writer… by driving to Hollywood and getting a job writing questions and "ad lib" jokes for the game show, "Hollywood Squares."I wrote spec scripts in my spare time while I was toiling away at "Hollywood Squares," and after a few years sold my first to a show called, "Love, American Style." After that, I was lucky enough to continue to write for many comedies for the next 30 years or so. However, I always had an interest in writing essays and columns. An early "My Turn" column for "Newsweek" about the evils of Nintendo resulted in my being a guest on "Oprah." I assume that she will support me if I ever run for President.I have been a weekly humor and opinion columnist since 2001. I have written columns for "The Kansas City Kansan," "The Denver Post," "The Santa Monica Daily Press," "The San Francisco Examiner," Crawford Texas' "The Lone Star Iconoclast," and the "The Jewish Journal." My column has also run on line on CBSnews.com and I wrote a sports column for SportsLine.com. It has also been syndicated to hundreds of papers and sites. I was also recently honored by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for a column I wrote about the NCAA final four tournament. In this age of suspicion, I feel compelled to give you a guarantee about me. I swear that I have never written a column or a script while on steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs. All right, once I took a swig of some Human Growth Hormone, but it gave me gas.

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