Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about gold bars stashed in an ex-CIA officer home, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ex-CIA officer arrested after FBI seizes 300 gold bars worth over $40M stashed in his home
… Would’ve been 301 bars, but he just went out for gas.
Anti-Gay Republican once worked as a drag queen in a gay bar
… Or, as he was known, RuPaul Ryan.
The Black Crows hitting road on reunion tour
Although, they may need to change their name to The Black Crow’s Feet.
Trump demands Senate Republicans fire Parliamentarian
… No word if that also includes all the members of Funkadelic.
Walmart announces job cuts
Then, who will the salesperson go talk to instead of helping me…?
American missionary in Africa tests positive for Ebola, aid group says
So, until we hear more, that’s the official missionary position.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are filming a new reality show amid his mayoral campaign
What’s it gonna be called ‘The Shills?’
Happy belated 80th, Cher
If you could turn back time, we’d see fewer plastic surgeons driving BMWs.
Megyn Kelly’s always saying celebs should worry about losing half their audience
For that to happen to her it would require one fan, a box, and a magician with a sword.
Crack in unstable California chemical tank may reduce explosion risk, official says
… But increase the chances of lost teeth and severe weight loss.
Top doctor diagnoses sleepy Trump, 79, with ‘severe illness’
Trump’s so sleepy that next fall on SNL he’s gonna be played by Joe Biden.
RIP Saxophone GOAT Sonny Rollins
Gabriel’s gonna have some real competition now!
Studies show that watching a beaver eat cabbage lowers stress by 17%
Check out the vids on PornGrub.
Musk’s SpaceX discloses massive losses ahead of expected record-breaking IPO
… Anyone check Elon’s couch for the money?