Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 4-year-old: A superhero. But first I have to go to college. That girl has her shit together.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2014
4-year-old daughter: Can we watch Star Wars? Me: That’s my girl. Which one? 4: Episode 1. Me: I have no daughter.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2014
Me: It’s cruel how some spiders kill their mates after sex. Wife: It’d be much kinder to marry them and kill them a little every day.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2014
Me: That’s stupid. 4-year-old: We don’t say that word! Me: I make the rules in this house. 4: Me: Please don’t tell your mom.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2014
Me: Do you have any idea what I could do if I didn’t have to spend a third of my life sleeping? Wife: Ruin your life 33 percent faster.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/1/14: pic.twitter.com/H2CDBG5x4u
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 17, 2014