Door-to-door Christian: Do you accept Jesus into your life? Me: Like, to live with me? Him: Me: If he pays rent he can crash on the couch
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2014
4-year-old: What’s your biggest fear? Me: That life is an illusion created by a malevolent deity who laughs at us. 4: Me: Spiders.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2014
I ate four chocolate doughnuts and then four vanilla doughnuts to even them out, so, yes, I had a balanced breakfast.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2014
I hate it when the British add unnecessary U’s to words. That’s why I live in a hose.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2014
Me: *nudges wife in bed* Wife: I’ll take the puking kid if you take the one with diarrhea. And they say romance is dead after marriage.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/2/14: pic.twitter.com/ADQXOeEG3o
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 18, 2014