Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about MLB being back in full swing, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Batter up! Major League Baseball is back in full swing!
… And, the White Sox already are mathematically eliminated.
Hiding in the mountains, the injured US airman had only a pistol for protection
… Which means when rescuers arrived, he had a pistol in his pocket and he was glad to see them.
Heather Locklear & Lorenzo Lamas: We love the ’90s … And each other!!!
Look for Heather’s VH1 special, I F**ked the ’90s — a title so honest it should come with a scrunchie and a bottle of CK One.
Dates are considered a super food, but there’s one caveat when eating them
Make sure you took them to dinner and a movie first … Oops, wrong type of dates. Never mind.
Report, Bondi begged Trump like a dog to keep AG job
On the upside, Kristie Noem was already fired; or Bondi might’ve gotten shot.
‘The Breakfast Club’ turns 42
The original cast is now almost old enough to make a sequel called, ‘The Early Bird Dinner.’
Orban concedes defeat in Hungary elections
… While the rest of EU continues to Boo De Pest.
Hef would’ve turned 100 today
If he were still alive, that would’ve made 100 the new 69.
DOGE staffer admits Elon Musk’s cost-cutting agency failed to reduce the federal deficit
So, they were all a bunch of Doge bags.
50 Cent and Snoop Dogg agree they won’t beef with each other
They’re getting near the point where that could end with one or both suffering a broken hip hop.
Democratic Governor candidate Rep. Eric Swalwell drops out of race after claims of sexual misconduct exposed
For fellow candidate Katie Porter, ‘Swalwell that ends well.’
What McDonald’s employees know about the Filet-O-Fish that isn’t advertised
The people cooking it are more fried than the sandwich.
Hegseth says he welcomes deal with Iran, but Pentagon will keep ‘negotiating with bombs’
So, he’ll force them to sit through ‘Melania’?
Human skull discovered during Easter egg hunt in California
All I’m saying is ‘Mrs. Dumpty better have an alibi.’