Wife: I heard that song you made up to teach our 4-year-old our phone number. Me: Pretty clever, huh? Wife: It’s the wrong number.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2014
Therapist: This group session is only for crime victims. Me: Windows changed my default search engine to Bing. Him: Me: Him: Welcome.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2014
Me: Want me to open that jar for you? 4-year-old daughter: No thanks. Mommy said I should ask a man to do it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2014
4-year-old: Can I have a chocolate cake at my next birthday party? Me: I’ll make it myself. 4: You’re not invited.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2014
Me: I bought expensive medicine to keep you alive. My dog: Thanks, bro! At least I assume that’s what he meant by shitting on my carpet.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/15/14: pic.twitter.com/u6vOzq99IS
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) October 2, 2014