Body: AM I DYING?
Brain: It’s just sleep. We’re not used to it because we never get it
Body: IT’S A TRAP
*wakes up at 6 AM on a Saturday*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2014
Me: I suck at everything.
Wife:
Me: This is the part where you say, “No you don’t, honey"
Wife: You even suck at fishing for compliments.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2014
Wife: How do you want your eggs?
Me: Boiled in an anti-gravity chamber with a touch of salt.
Wife: We’re out of salt
Me:*flips the table*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2014
If you’re a hot girl and you have words tattooed somewhere on your body, I assume they’re the terms and conditions for your crazy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2014
Coworker: You don’t have a creative bone in your body.
Me: Nobody does.
Coworker:
Me: Learn anatomy, motherfucker.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2014