In a major concession, Iran has pledged that it will never drop a nuclear bomb on the United States between 8:30 am and 5:00 pm on a weekday.
“To those who had the slightest doubt that the United States of America would emerge victorious from our negotiations with Iran, I simply say, ‘shut the hell up’,” Vice President JD Vance told reporters at a Friday press conference.
“As a result of this agreement, U. S. citizens will no longer have to worry about their Wednesday afternoon business meeting in downtown Des Moines being disrupted by a fireball that melts all participants. On the other hand, I encourage everyone to keep one eye on the sky during those Little League baseball games on Saturday and Sunday. Just sayin’.”