Him: I told you to turn on country music.
Me: You didn’t say which country.
*plays greatest hits from Tajikistan*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2014
My 2-year-old can’t figure out how to use the toilet but knows how to browse Netflix. She has the right priorities.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2014
Prisons could save a ton of money on fences if they made the inmates go barefoot and surrounded them with Legos.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2014
Things my 2-year-old cheered about today:
1) putting together a puzzle on the first try
2) successfully naming colors
3) pants
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2014
Wife: You need to mow the lawn.
Me: What’s the rush?
It’s like she doesn’t know it’ll all be buried under snow if I wait five months.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2014