4-year-old: Your cooking tastes like Play-Doh.
Me: Why do you know what Play-Doh tastes like?
4:
Me:
4: Let’s not tell Mom.
Me: Agreed.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2014
Me: I want a raise. I got another degree.
Boss: You expect me to believe you got a PhD at “being a ninja?”
Me: That’s Dr. Ninja to you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2014
2-year-old: *runs into the room* I have two hands!
Me:
2-year-old:*leaves*
I don’t know how I’d live without those breaking news updates.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2014
Me: *calls* I can’t work today. I have Ebola
Boss: So overnight you got a disease found only in Africa?
Me: I used my frequent flyer miles
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2014
Dear childless couples, nobody gives a fuck about when you’ll have kids
We just ask because we’re tired of hearing you talk about your cats
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2014