If you wondered how far technology has advanced in the great state of Indiana, I lose cell reception when the corn is high.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2014
Me: Give it to me straight, Doc.
Doctor: You didn’t forward that chain email. This is your own damn fault.
Me: *dies painfully*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2014
Me: Aw, you picked flowers for me.
4: Those are for mom. I picked you a rock.
Me: Is it a pretty rock?
4: No.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2014
Samuel L. Jackson: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!
John Travolta: We’re in France, bro.
Samuel L. Jackson: *kills everyone*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2014
Me: You know, semen can cure headaches.
Wife: Too bad everything else about you causes them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2014