Huckabee’s Tasty Legislative Menu


Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was so outraged by the arrest of Kentucky court clerk Kim Davis that he is proposing new legislation.

“No American should ever have to choose between the law of the land and the voices in their head,” Huckabee told This Reporter. “Supreme Court rulings were never meant to replace Holy Scripture.”

“But not every American has the same religious beliefs,” said This Reporter.”That’s why we have the separation of Church and State.

“That may very well be,” said Huckabee, “But when you give testimony in court, you place your hand on the Bible, not on a stack of Barbara Streisand CDs.”

“What exactly do you hope your legislation will accomplish?” asked This Reporter.

“It will level the playing field,” said Huckabee. “Why should nine people in black robes decide what millions of Americans can or cannot do?”

“Um, because the Supreme Court was created by the Constitution in 1789,” said This Reporter.

“Exactly my point,” said Huckabee, jabbing his index finger into This Reporter’s sternum. “You think in 1789 they had any idea they’d be ruling on abortion, sodomy or same-sex marriage?”

“Well, no, but they also didn’t know that the Supreme Court would allow people who aren’t in militias to have automatic assault weapons or permit the formation of Super Pacs that sell the Presidency to the highest bidder,” said This Reporter.

“You’re getting off track,” said Huckabee. “I’m talking about an end to judicial tyranny!”

“Are you proposing to eliminate the Supreme Court?” asked This Reporter.

“No, I am not,” said Huckabee. “My legislation will simply give Americans the right to freely pick and choose which laws apply, according to their own personal beliefs. Just like in a Chinese restaurant, they will be able to choose from Column A or B,” explained Huckabee.

“But that would give people the right to discriminate against sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religious groups, even the disabled,” said This Reporter.

“You’ve got it!” said Huckabee. “This was a Great Nation at one time and it will be a Great Nation again.  Business owners once had the right to decide whom they served. Now, they are telling us we have to make wedding cakes for Sodomites.”

“Yes, but before they discriminated against sexual orientation, many business owners discriminated against people’s race, religion and ethnicity.” Said This Reporter.

“You’d better believe it,” said Huckabee. “Down in Arkansas, we were doing just fine before the fabric of our society was torn apart by the Civil Rights Act of 1964. They replaced our God given right to choose with unconstitutional laws that forced us to give job and educational opportunities to Black folks. Now they want us to give equal rights to Sodomites. You see where this is going?”

“Some might say it’s going in the direction intended by our Founding Fathers when they wrote “We the people….” said This Reporter.

“Don’t give me that Socialist crap,” said Huckabee. “We the People doesn’t include Them. You see any Blacks, Sodomites, Mexicans, Muslims or Jews among the Founding Fathers? No sir Not a one.”

“But America isn’t a theocracy,” said This Reporter.

“Au contraire,” said Huckabee. “You ever look at a twenty dollar bill? It says In God We Trust. Not in Elton John.”

“Aren’t you concerned that your position on same-sex marriage will cost you in the Presidential race?” said This Reporter.

“No way, Jose. I am not alone in my beliefs. Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal and Senator Lindsey Graham and I are all aboard on this together.”

“Yes, but that ship appears to be sinking. None of you participated in the first or second main Republican debate event,” said This Reporter.

“It’s still early,” said Huckabee. “When the fog of political discourse clears, the American people will vote for the candidate who shares their values.”

“According to the Pew Center polls, 55% of Americans are in favor of same-sex marriage,” said This Reporter.

“That’s why they call it the Pew Center. It stands for pee-eww,” said Huckabee pinching his nostrils.  “I don’t take my marching orders from them. I take my marching orders from God.”

“But isn’t compassion and acceptance the basis of all religion?” asked This Reporter.

“You need to read your Bible,” said Huckabee. “What happened to Kim Davis was an insult to God-abiding citizens. She is our Joan of Arc. Someday there’ll be a statue of her on the steps of the Supreme Court.”



“Joan of Arc? ” said This Reporter. “She didn’t simply refuse to do her job. She led her nation into battle.”

“That’s exactly what Kim Davis will do,” said Huckabee. “She’s well on her way to being the new face of the Republican Party. If I’m the nominee, I’ll make certain she has a prominent cabinet position, if not the vice presidency.”

“You think the majority of American women voters can relate to Kim Davis?” asked This Reporter.

“Probably not. Davis hasn’t had a decent hair cut since the Nixon Administration. Her clothes come from KMart and she’s been married more times than a Kardashian. But that will not be an issue because a key part of my legislation will take the vote away from women,” said Huckabee.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I haven’t announced it publically yet, but along with disenfranchising Planned Parenthood, banning abortion, birth control and same-sex marriage and the Affordable Care Act, my legislation will also get rid of the 19th Amendment which gave women the right to vote.” said Huckabee.

“It’ll never pass,” said This Reporter.

“Yeah? That’s what they said about Citizens United.” said Huckabee.

Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of Daily Lobotomy and the author of Tender is the Brisket.


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