Streamers and banners are down, and balloons have given up their last hits of helium. The auditorium is empty, and pomp and circumstance have been packed away until next year.
Graduation is officially over.
High school speeches have served up standard clichés:
“As we go forth”
“Let us look forward but also let us look back”
”Success is not a destination but a journey”
“yada yada yada”
The deep thinkers are still mulling over this profound guidance, but I worry that shallow grads are bewildered. What they need is some practical advice; a solid stud they can hang their diplomas on.
So for all the stud seekers out there, I am determined there will be no grad left behind.
1) Accept your hair type. Some people have straight hair and some have curls. The straights try to curl, and the curls try to go straight. Don’t blame yourself or your parents for how your tresses fall. And don’t try to force your hair into something it was not meant to be.
2) Be frugal. Always brush your teeth before you get dressed. Until they invent disappearing toothpaste, this will cut down on your laundry and dry cleaning bills. NOTE: If you AIM to invent disappearing toothpaste you will ride a CREST of fame and be CLOSE UP to a lot of money!
3) Be flexible. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been ready to go somewhere and decided to change my outfit. This usually happens when I notice an enormous splotch of toothpaste on the front of my blouse, pants, and glasses when I don’t follow #2.
4) Be realistic. When one door closes don’t expect another one to open, as these two events are totally unrelated. This is a good thing since we live in Maine, and can only keep doors open when temperatures are above freezing. So about four days a year.
5) Choose friends carefully. It is important to become friends with people who wear your size, so your wardrobe immediately expands in proportion to their affluence. (See # 2).
6) Don’t take things personally. Your parents will miss you even though they’ve completely redecorated your room, and turned it into a home office. You can learn to love the couch when you come home during school breaks (See #3), and this means you can care for the dog when he has diarrhea in the night. Your slumbering parents know that you have cleaned up worse messes in your first few weeks of college.
7) Learn how to buy a cantaloupe. No more smelling, squeezing, hacking melons open in the store, concealing your machete, and bolting from the gruesome scene like a fruit murderer. And eating lots of this delicious low-calorie fruit can prevent gaining the dreaded Freshman Fifteen.
8) Keep your resentments alive. Ruminate about the ways you’ve been treated unfairly. Then you will be ready for your future class reunion when you can deal with your bitter indignation therapeutically.
9) Preserve your graduation photo. It will be tempting to store your beaming image improperly, where it could fade or get lost. Keep it in a dry, temperature-controlled environment, like a safe deposit box. Remember, you will never look this good again.
I’m sure my readers can cap off this blog post with some more lessons for our fresh, shallow grads. And as an added perk, could you share your graduation photo? That is, if you can find the key to your safe deposit box.