The Coward’s Guide To Learning Snowboarding

Here ladies and gentlemen is the ultimate beginners snowboarding guide “How To Snowboard the R. Freed Way!” Alright!

This is for those of you who hate the cold, hate putting on piles of clothing and hate rocketing yourself off a mountain because you know that it can kill you. In other words, you are SMART!!

Despite that you have to look cool to your friends, so let’s get on with it:
The first article of attrition that you will need is a snowboard. This is a layered fiberglass board that has been specially processed and curved to be super cool. One little know fact about snowboarding is that you do not really have to risk life and limb going downhill on it to be considered cool by your friends. You need merely have it on prominent display in you living room where drinking buddies and girls and come by and ooh and aah about its gnarliness. However, if you are one of these fools who actually want to ride it downhill, read on:
(Note: If you are unable to afford or to buy a snowboard, just snitch your mom’s old ironing board. If you doll it up with spray paint, no one will ever catch on, except maybe your pals who come by to ooh and aah over it. In this case, just get them drunk enough first before you let them see it and you won’t have any problems.)

The bottom of the snowboard should normally be smooth. Some boarders rework the bottom removing gouges and holes to make it travel smoother and faster. This is suicide. As an experienced snowboarder let me say you do not want this flying harbinger of death going any faster that it needs to. There are these incredibly nasty things called trees and rocks on the mountain that you will be traveling down put there by ski officials who want to weed out the poorer skiers and purify the ski racing stock. These trees and rocks will work amazing transformations on your face and limbs if you give them a chance. I say take a chisel and put MORE gouges and pits in it! The more the merrier. The more friction you can create, the less chance you have of accidentally French kissing a pine tree.

The next implement you need to ride are bindings. Bindings were invented by sadistic snowboard engineers who get a perverse delight at the thought of having peoples feet fastened tightly to a snowboard as it careens uncontrollably down a mountain towards whatever gruesome fate awaits them while they try vainly to stop themselves from the horrible death stop that lurks somewhere ahead. Bindings lock your feet to the board and thereby also locks the possessor of the feet to all manner of physical objects that the board could encounter in its mad flight, much in the same way that kamikaze pilots were bolted into their airplanes before making their last and most dramatic flight.

Another article of apparel needed is a helmet to protect the brain, but in the case of snowboarders perhaps this is a trivial thing. Scientific evidence suggests that the mere fact that they choose this sport in the first place there might not be much to protect.

Goggles also are essential. I recommend ones that are blackened out to save you the trouble of screaming as you see your karma rushing towards you.

Now you are ready to go! Spend the majority of your paycheck buying a lift ticket and get to the top. As you gaze in terror at the abyss before you it is always wise to say a prayer first. If you aren’t religious already, I recommend converting to a convenient sect immediately. In fact, say your prayer to several different religions to be sure you’ve got your bases covered even if you haven’t been in an Ashram or mosque in your life. If you do miraculously make it to the bottom alive while still possessing most of your bodily parts them maybe you will even feel inspired to start your own religion.

If you actually enjoyed your first run, then Congratulations!! You are now a member of the fastest growing religious cult in the U.S.- SNOWBOARDING!!