President Donald J. Trump was beaming on Monday afternoon when he announced that Vietnam President Luong Cuong had just issued an official, three-word statement in which he admits that Vietnam had indeed been defeated by the United States in the infamous war that took place over a half-century ago (“You beat us.”). In exchange, Trump will withdraw the 46% tariff that he had been threatening to impose upon the Southeast Asian nation.
“This is a great day for America,” said Trump, “and a great day for me. No longer will the United States be seen as a loser in that war. I hate losers.
“Do the math: we lost 58,000 soldiers, but the opposition lost well over 400,000 and perhaps as many as 600,000. Number don’t lie. We won. Case closed. In fact, I’ve always thought that Vietnam was one of our best wars. I loved that war. How can you see the clip of Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now screaming ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’ and not be proud?
“To recognize our victory, I am commissioning a new mural for our National Mall, one that depicts a U. S. military plane carpet-bombing Vietnam with Agent Orange, my signature color.
“I’m confident that this will help Americans forget that, with the other tariffs in place, a tube of toothpaste at Walmart will soon cost $179.”