Undaunted by the Supreme Court’s questioning of the constitutionality of his Executive Order banning birthright citizenship, President Donald J. Trump is preparing Plan B: using his tattooed signature to give the Presidential seal of approval to all newborns emerging from the wombs of U. S. citizens.
“If the Supreme Court does the wrong thing by not letting me eliminate birthright citizenship,” says the President, “I will do the RIGHT thing by giving genuine U. S. babies the benefits of having my official signature stamped on their right — never their left — butt cheek by an ICE agent just before they leave the hospital or other birth site. These Americans will be entitled to huge discounts when purchasing all sorts of products and services, including Disney World admission, throughout our great country.
“This may be the best idea I’ve ever had. What a terrific way to celebrate the 250th anniversary of our nation’s founding. So terrific. Pretty soon my signature will be appearing on the $1 bill. You know that, right? Then why shouldn’t it appear on the buns of babies who are truly American?”